cassiopeia0984

I was up last night redoing my schedule for next semester. Not that I changed a whole lot but I also added in breakfast times, lunch breaks, and study breaks. I checked out when the 21 (busline) comes to the union on Monday, seeing as I am sure I will be working that day during the semester, and luckily for me it comes at 3:24 pm so I should be to work right on time. I may ask my boss to kick back my start time to 5 pm on Mondays. Mondays and Wednesdays after March 15th are going to be reaaaally nice. I'll definitely be able to go out Tuesday night, if I want to, because I won't have class until 2pm. I think this is the best schedule I have had yet. Not because I am able to go out but just because I have really taken my time with planning it out and all. I also do NOT have class on Friday so that is really exciting.

I feel like things, personally, are very gloomy. Thomas and I have been at each other's throats and I just don't know if our relationship is going downhill and we both are denying it's end or if we, as a team (not just me) are not doing the best to solve the problems. I could say more but it's not worth it, what will be will be.

I am reading about toxic friends and I feel like I am being described to some degree in nearly all of them. Maybe it is because I am being really hard on myself right now, or maybe I have turned into a terrible friend. I feel so bad. I was talking with Thomas the other night how I just feel terrible for all of the hurtful things I have done to people. I suppose in some ways I have had somewhat of a bad reputation from the time I was twelve until maybe this current day. But today, as Thomas was walking into Carrie's apartment to get my purse that I left there (I was too afraid to go up), I told myself out loud that it is my responsibility to change, it is my fault for screwing up, and that I cannot do this [keep making the same mistake over and over again]. I am going to make a serious commitment to myself as it is not about anyone else except for me ultimately anyways. I have realized that other people have expected a lot of me and that I have let them down tremendously. I have spent a lot of time, too much time, being very despondent about it and sadly enough feeling bad doesn't yield changing results. I cannot sit on the sidelines and expect my life to just happen. Oddly enough, I feel that there has always been a part of me that logically knew that but emotionally I was just unable to be mature with myself.

True that there have been a lot of people that have seemed not to let go of my bad behavior from the past, but even truer still is the fact that I was the ring-leader of them all when I really think about it. The past four years of my life are as low as I want my life to ever get. Yes, there were some great things that happened when I was focused but even still I wasn't strong enough. I am still slipping and I really don't know what it is going to take to help me stay on track. I feel like I just cannot function normally but in spite of everything I have to make this change.

What's the problem?

A: I hang out with bad influences from my past that have no direction and while that might work for them I want more out of life. I blame others for my failures (although yesterday and today I have been accepting so much responsibility for everything I have done to contribute to my demise). I drink too much and or smoke pot when I am around these bad influences.

What can I do about it?

A: NOT hang around them. Simple as that.

Clearly it is prosaic of me to say that I do not favor family gatherings but this year I especially do not want to. I am really against it this year because both my sister's seem to have taken a one-way trip down puerile lane.

My older sister is twenty-six and dating a borderline mentally retarded twenty year old. She asks all of the time if he seems slow, or asking, "What do you really think of him?" Then she goes on and on about their age difference and how she needs to be with him all of the time. She has only been dating him for a month, already saying I love you, talking about getting married "on the fly" on the summer and might be talking about baby names?!?! WTF? I don't get her, but I am so annoyed with that relationship.

Then there is my younger sister who is dating a guy about two years younger than her who treats her like complete crap. He didn't graduate high school nor does he have a GED. He does not have a job and I don't really think he is looking for one. He had good amount of money in a trust fund but when he had his birthday this year he spent a good amount of it on stupid things, such as a cell phone he can't even afford. He walks around with his little bluetooth gadget on his ear. He has gotten my younger sister gifts and then asked for them back because he doesn't have money or because he is upset with her. He is so disgusting too.

I don't want either of my sister's daft boyfriend's to be there. Relationships are such crap. ughhhhhhhhhhh.

In no particular order...
- Cheese
- Dark Beer
- Masturbation
- WoW
- Guitar Hero I, II, & III
- thomas
- life
- invention of the telescope
- music
- Richard Simmons

Carrie P.: u should have came over last night
Carrie P.: it was crazy
Vanessa: what happened? crack?!
Carrie P.: no
Carrie P.: i was really really really fucked up but didnt drink at all. and everyone else got wasted and it was just nuts
Vanessa: what were you on?
Carrie P.: the best rolls i ever had in my life
....
Vanessa: so was laruen and jake over last night?
Vanessa: oops i spelled her name wrong
Carrie P.: lauren was here for a few hours. jake just stopped in when he picked her up and then they left
Vanessa: i see. when we went out the other night andy bridges came up to us and started talking
Carrie P.: nice hes hot
Carrie P.: i havent seen him in a while
Vanessa: yeah since you were doing crack at someones place?
[almost immediately after i sent the message] Carrie P. has gone offline.

This is not meant to be me being an asshole. I went out a few nights ago, and I had this guy, Andy, come up to me and start telling me about how Carrie was trying to get his wife to smoke crack. It pissed me off because 1) it's fucking crack, 2) carrie had told me she doesn't do that anymore and 3) CRACK??!? I have a long history with these drug addicts and I realize that anyone that doesn't stand for that shit would just tell me to STOP HANGING OUT WITH THEM because they are losers and i agree you are so totally right. But the thing is I used to have this problem too, not crack necessarily but just pot and alcohol.


I guess I can start journaling whenever I hear my old friends talk about drugs and when they are messed up. I wish I could find a site where I could log it you know and see a chart but this will suffice. I will just tag it with 'drugs'. Then all I have to do is look up the journal entries that are tagged drugs and see how often they really talk about it/get messed up. I know it is nearly everyday but maybe I just need a visual. I am a visual learner.

"Write down a list of things you enjoyed doing before you started using drugs or things you've been interested in doing that you haven't done yet. Drugs have been a big part of your life and it will be easier for you if you plan ahead to fill the void that their absence will create."

- playing video games with my sister
- running around my neighborhood with my sister
- playing with my dog/animals
- going out and meeting people
- laughing
- staying away from drugs
- acting crazy!
- dancing
- hanging out with friends

If I close my eyes and think hard enough I can see him coming through the door. He would just be coming home to me after a long day of work. His cheeks would be slightly puffy and tomato red; November nights in Wisconsin will do that to you. He'd casually toss his keys onto the kitchen counter and they would land on top of the mixed papers from a weeks worth of post. I would be sitting on the couch in the living room typing away some unimportant nonsense on my mac while my dog snores next to me. As soon as he rounds the corner I would look up and flash him the smile that I can only produce when our eyes meet. I would get his killer smile in return as he walks over to me. He would sit down, put his arm around me, lean over while looking at the laptop screen and ask, "Whatcha dooooing?" I would nervously giggle and reply, "Nothing." I would look at him, my heart in a tizzy like it always is when our eyes meet, and we would kiss. Not just a peck, but a deep passionate, longing. Our kisses were never anything less.

A couple nights ago I had this dream I was at a club and I was trying so hard to hit on this girl. Thomas, my boyfriend, was there and was watching the whole thing. I was so turned on by this girl that I just tuned him out completely. I woke up the next morning and realized what was going on.

I really need to seek out a girl to have fun with. I've wanted to for so long and I know some girls turn me on. It is an itch I need to scratch while I still can. Not to say that I will never be able to ever again in my life, but I want to now. I keep it hidden and don't talk about it. I don't know where to look, and I feel like a fool trying to figure it all out on my own. It is something I am somewhat okay with talking to Thomas about but not entirely. This is so frusterating. >(

This journal is not friends only per say but what I want to keep hidden I will.
I go to the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and am studying psychology. I am twenty-three year old lady and learning to love life; even when it is relentlessly hellish. I like blood and gore, but still cringe when I see it. I love dreams where I am flying or have magical powers. I do not regret my past but sometimes I have a tendency to let bad people from the past in. My bad! I know myself fairly well and am journaling so that I can continue to really see myself for who I am and get a better understanding...and also, maybe there is someone else out there that shares some of my views. thank you & goodnight.

- cassiopeia

I am trying to fix/change so many things right now and unfortunately I am feeling a little stressed out because of it. I am really struggling with keeping bad influences out of my life, and keeping in touch with the good people in my life. I am also running into the same damn problems with living at home as I did for how many years now? I am trying so hard to change myself and get better but I do not think that living at home in a non-progressive environment is really encouraging or beneficial to me at all. I mean, seriously, my sister cannot even pick up her own dishes for herself and that is just pure laziness. My mom doesn't even address her about it anymore. She just accepts it and that is pathetic.

And my job... ooh god. I hate it and my boss is seriously the dumbest person on the face of the planet.

forward forward, no looking back
onward and over these burdens
moving moving, staying on track

wishing wishing, somethings gotta give
through and between the frustration
determined determined, it's my perogative

understand, I understand
us humans we're so far from perfect
retracing your mistakes though, so I won't lend you my hand

not regretting, letting go
growing up and getting old
so young in this life but so dead is this past

wasting wasting, precious moments
living in the now but shutting out consideration
sick of watching pathetic desperation

lift me up, pick me up
put me in my place?
it's just too bad you can't see your own look on your face

losing losing, all you've gained
forgetting the trust built only to be torn down by something so lame

so let go
fly away
no running, just stay

feel it burn
deep within our chests
watch me go, watch me go in and out like a breath

make me stronger make me stronger
give me all you've got
and i'll assure you, i'll assure you it wasn't your best shot

tear me down, watch me ache
hear me cry, watch me ache
but no longer will this ever reach your hands again

I trusted, but lies
I trusted, you severed ties
I trusted, gave my all
but you lost it; now you fall

ring around the rosey
your intensions full of arsenic
ashes ashes, I rise up

dreams winding, twisting my neck
waking up bruised with the remnience of yesterday
to forgive & forget, or just forget & let live?
the same cliche bullshit rots in my mouth
never will I digest it
smile & nod & psuedo-understand
this tangled complexity imposed from day one
is it real? do we all feel?
the way this soul seems to perceive
never changing, only rearranging
they don't want what's within
they just want me to begin; again & again
to believe we were put here for a purpose
to only see what's on the surface
and throw away what captures us within
it's fake and I hate it and you can't debate it so today I'm calling you out
there is no such thing as real unless what is real is what I feel
& what I feel is utterly betrayed
by the heavens & by the fiery pits of hell
who are you? who am I? why are we here? what's to fear?
there isn't a way to tell

Salem passed away last night. :(
I think the hardest part was putting his little body in his makeshift coffin til we could get him to be cremated today. My least favourite part about death, other than the fact that it's final, is rigor mortis. I'm not a fan of it. It's creepy.

Pongo is acting odd today, but I know thats natural. Poor puppy, he keeps looking for Salem & now he is curled in a ball just looking really sad.

somewhat free
definately breathing
falling falling fell
landing successful
grace like a swan
never forget the past
& forgive yourself first
maybe others will follow
maybe they won't
look naught behind you
rather forward & to the sides
for they are the ones with
loving eyes
heart, soul & mind
deviate to what is right for you
not them
open up but stand guard
for devious roads lie ahead
everyone wants your smile
look at the way you walk
bounce bounce bounce
hear the way you talk
songs songs songs
feel what you see
beauty beauty beauty
passerby be for-warned if you tread in these tranquil waters
your curiosity will be the end of you
this isn't yours

I`m pissed. I didn`t get that job I wanted. Not that I want to leave Outpost because I don`t, I just wanted to get some more money to save up for UW-P. Kinda pisses me off, I know I`m more than qualified for what I was applying for but maybe the fact that they knew I would have two jobs didn`t rub them well. Jessie said she`d keep my application though and she really liked the interview, but I`m not sure if that`s just b.s that they tell you when you arn`t good enough, or honesty.

So I applied to work at Summerfest. I really don`t care if I go this year or not. Why should I? I have like no friends to go with. Fuck your fake companionship anyways. I don`t want friends if it means friends like the ones I`ve had. And, most people in Milwaukee are egotistical, self-absorbed, style/fashion/trend whores with nothing better to do than obsessively be on livejournal.com & myspace.com talking to people that they never really even met or know in the first place and obsessing about who did and said what. Or is that just people within the 18-25 gap? Is that just society? Is immaturity taking over the southeastern state of Wisconsin?

I definately feel like I`m back to the way I was when I was 15, with a few exceptions. I`m a lot smarter, and a lot more bitter. But, I have that "no bullshit" attitude back. I don`t want to be nice to people that are not going to give me the same treatment back. I don`t believe in love, and I don`t think I even want it. Granted, there are a few people very close to breaking the black heart that Elliot so gracefully handed back to me after that one night he was reaming my ass over the phone like a gentleman (NOT!).

I mean, I`m over it but in some ways I guess I`m not. Which is another reason I keep rejecting the thought of being with someone else. It`s not cause I miss you Elliot, because I really don`t. Why would I miss an asshole? Sure, we had good times, but the last month with him and the last few weeks that I knew him and talked to him changed my view of him forever. And he is now added to the list of assholes that I dated. And no he really doesn`t know what it is to always love someone because he isn`t going to and I`m not so sure he ever did love me. He was just excited probably that an older girl had interest in him and then that feeling wore off.

I used to question how can you change in two weeks? That answer is simple, he never loved me. I can accept this or I can`t. And I am going to welcome it with open arms because denying it isn`t going to make it any easier, in fact it`ll just bury it til something simular happens and then I freak out on my next boyfriend and throw baggage at him that he doesn`t deserve to carry. I also have realized there is honest, and too honest. Which is me; the latter. I tell too much about myself before I really even know who I`m talking to. It feels like a curse, it really does, but that is just my nieve, justice for all, librian wishful thinking attitude.

It`s kinda nice being honest with myself and everyone else around me. Though some people might not like it, (because people like to hear what they want and not what they need to hear) I feel it`s necessary to find the kind of people I want to surround myself with. Whether those people be friends or someone I end up dating.

To be less formal, I dunno tho. I kinda like this single thing. It`s giving me a power trip. I don`t have to worry about what I do or say, or who will relay that back to whom. I know myself a lot better now than I did a year ago, and that`s a sign of progress is it not? So then maybe I am going in the right direction, though the path looks pretty fucked up to me. It kinda makes me giggle, I picture a start and finish and I`m somewhere a one-fourth in yet between start and one-fourth is a pretty loopy, swervy line.

It's sorta like I`m driving my car down the proverbial road to success and before now I was totally waaaaaaaaasted and finally I was pulled over, and handed my first proverbial DUI. Yeah, I`ll look at it like that.

Sorta clever, and by sorta I mean really.

it was like drinking poison, or eating glass
either way you're bound to die
whether you wait to internally bleed to your end
or wait for the sickness to run through you stopping your being
it shouldn't have been this hard but it was
& now my system is flushed of these demons
when they return i will be ready
a recon mission for one
i will deflict every pathetic attempt you have to see me fail
you don't want me to succeed
& you got in my head, so deep in me
i took the time to pick up the broken pieces of me
the parts you didn't want me to see
that out shine anything you could do
i cleaned, i scrubbed, i threw away the bloody towels
no longer am i guilty of your crimes against maturation
for i set my soul free today
& it flew away with my mind, hand in hand
you're left in a hole on the ground wishing i'd return
i don't think so because this is real, no longer clouds in my eyes
this is me breathing after a lie

Even though it is unusual to walk alone in the middle of a strong thunderstorm, I don't think I would have been as eased as I am now, two hours later, to have had that time with nature. We were both upset. Upset with the fact that no one appreciates the bad as much as the good. It's fucking unfair, it's unrealistic, & most of all it's a uniqueness I wish more people would have. I guess that's what I'm looking for; someone to hold my hand as we stroll down the dark road called life that everyone seems to shine a bright light on because they are too scared to face it how it is naturally. Afraid of the lightning that shows you whats hidden in the dark. Terrified of the thunder that screams at you telling you you're wrong in thinking you're the only one on this planet with needs. And most of all and lastly, petrafied of the rain that is pure with one purpose: to wash away your fears

Right before I woke up I had a stupid dream, & yet at the same time it made me happy.

I dreamt Joel & I were sitting in my basement playing video games, his guitar was in the corner, & he was pouring me a drink but I didn't feel like drinking; I wanted to just be next to him. It was so real. It was the clearest picture I've had of him since the last day I saw him. His eyes were just as blue as I ever remembered. Even the way he laughed was perfect. Why is my memory so sharp to detail? Yeah sure I can't remember if on the paid-in slips for ownerships when I add them up... do I include the retail coupon discount or not, but when it's about someone I havn't seen in months... I can remember their personaility to the way his eyes smiled when he was genuinely having fun. He was my favourite person to be around ever.

I started thinking last night I guess about the day we took Pongo for a walk by the lake, down by where it starts looking like Narnia, & were just talking & talking & talking about our friends & how people got so involved in drugs & we did them too but never felt the same way as everyone else. Maybe that's what I miss. I could relate to him almost perfectly. He told me a lot of things, some things I eventually used against him (stupidly, irrationally, & impusively), I feel terrible now because if I really did love him I shouldn't have hurt him like that (even if he doesn't give a shit about me now) I know he was pissed off. Maybe I would have never cheated on him, maybe I would have been more loyal to him than anyone he's ever known in his life, but I was still a bitch for a stupid reason; cuz he didn't want me.

I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could be his friend. I wish we could sit in my basement & figure out all the songs in the world without needing a guitar book. He would use his fingers to play the way I've always dreamed & I would hear the notes & songs in my head & tell him if he was off pitch or off tempo. But if I do I'll fall in love with him all over again, so why would I imprison myself like that? Am I that immature to be able to recognize that it would hurt to much? Or am I smarter than my heart & desires?

Today is a day I miss Joel. We have good days & bad days they say, but what about the ones in between where you realize it's bad because you can't shake this person from your mind but good because it makes you stronger... or does it make you stronger? Does it break you down even more? I don't know. I'm strong but not stronger than my emotions.

"Into the great wide open, under the skies of blue, out in the great wide open; a rebel without a clue"

i look forward to the times i will be able to hold you in my arms
though i can't put a face nor a name to your existance
i know you're there, waiting
just as i am for you, hoping you come to me
i will welcome you with everything i am
my soul begs for you
i feel you out there, somewhere
so where do you hide?
is it all just a game, a start & finish in the end
but who is to say we will finish
maybe when we finish it will be together
all i know is that id love you by my side right now
id stay up with you all night just to dream in your eyes

so i had this dream last night. i drove out to new jersey in my mom`s car.
prolly the only time ive been happy really since the last time i hung out with eric & my friends.

i don`t know what to do to feel ok. i listen to music that i think will make me feel better, and i just start crying. i know i`m never going to get him back, and i`m not even sure if it`s that i want him back. i can`t explain it. i feel like i can`t breathe. he said he`d always be there for me and the last time i talked to him he treated me like a piece of trash you see on the side of the road. he was so mean to me, and it was only because he was in front of all his friends, i know all this but it still hurts. it has permanently made me never want to date anyone younger than me ever again and for right now, i don`t think i want to date at all, ever. i`m so angry, hurt, sad, i dunno. i can`t just forget about it. i loved him, and because i did i`m not going to just get over him in 3 weeks. i can`t thats not possible, thats not real.

i feel like i have so much to say but there`s a lump in my throat stopping me. he was so mean, i could never be that mean to him, i couldn`t even really say anything back when he was ripping my heart apart and his friends were laughing at me.

and people keep saying, so what he`s a stupid highschooler, he`s immature. they didn`t know him like i did, or thought i did. he made me happy. the happiest i think i`ve ever been in my life.

i hate this.

and he`s the biggest liar you`ve ever met
because now he is doing the things he`ll soon come to you swearing he regrets
apologizing up, down, left and right
all while he`s sleeping next to her tonight
it`s just too bad you never got a chance to know him
only not because you can see right through him
it doesn`t take a lot to see
that he is 15,000 feet below the sea
while you are standing on top of Mt. Fuji
that`s right i said she`s better than you
better than you
better than you
doesn`t take too much does it?
but don`t second guess yourself because of it little girl
there are just those who want to hurt you
the same ones that will desert you
of course it wasn`t love and no he doesn`t have it now

you`ve got the world by the nuts
and frankly he doesn`t have any
he`s not worthless, he`s just not worthwhil